The Olympics earlier this year made me realise how British I feel rather than American. It made me seriously consider applying for dual citizenship (something I would do in an instant, if it weren't for the small matter of £700 standing in my way). I realised I was much more emotionally involved in how well team GB was doing rather than the USA team.
One of my modules for my degree this year was titled "Identity, Culture, and Education". It was a great module, looking at a lot of aspects of education and how it relates to society and identity. We looked at issues of identity formation, British national identity, and how identity changes over time. One thing that was stressed was that identity is a complex issue. That resonated with me!
The start of the World Cup within the last few days has also, like the Olympics, made me assess my own feelings of identity. The England-USA match today was a particular test of my allegiances to two countries that I hold dear to my heart. My decision in the end was to celebrate when either team scored a goal, the intention being to stay true to both countries! However, as one friend commented, "If you do that, you belong to neither, not both". I'm not sure whether I think that is true or not.
My family moved to England 10 years ago (as of this July), and for probably about 7 or 8 of those I have struggled with where I belong. Whenever we went back to America to visit, I was considered the 'English girl', and within my community here in England I was always seen as the 'American girl'. My accent is a strange mingling of American and British (although, some people recently have been surprised to find I was American. YES :D).
A very defining moment, which at the time actually didn't feel very important, significant, or emotional, but has since been a key phrase of my life, happened when I was in Sixth Form at school. At the end of a Thursday, I had two free periods, but sometimes I would decide to wait around at school to walk home with my friends at the end of the school day instead of walking home by myself. My best friend was taking Sociology, a subject i had interest in but chose not to study. On a few occasions, I went to her lessons with her, and asked the teacher if I could sit in. I think I surprised and baffled him! After having done this a few times, the teacher, Mr. Blundell looked at me and sighed, "Joy, you don't BELONG here".
I don't belong here.
Sometimes that phrase has been painful. Sometimes I have wished so desperately to feel like I belong in this country. Sometimes that phrase has been untrue. I have felt very much at home here and have felt so accepted and loved by so many friends. Recently, that phrase has filled me with joy.
Realising that I don't belong here has brought me to be reminded that as Christians, none of us belong here. As Philippians 3:20 writes, we are "citizens of heaven". That is so freeing! We don't need to belong to this world, fit in, or feel like we're at home. Many times recently I've felt a restlessness that I couldn't quite place my finger on. I realised later that it's a restlessness of not feeling at home in this world. I went to church one Sunday a few weeks ago and in the time of worship after the sermon I cried and cried and cried. Not really because of feeling that I don't belong, or grief that I don't belong to this world. It was more a release of all the feelings stored inside of me related to belonging and identity.
I don't belong here! That is a joyful thing! We belong to God. This world is only temporary. :)
I love the ending of this song, 'The Beautiful Letdown' by Switchfoot:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYxFEFklMPA
I don't belong here :)
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